Naruto story jutsu
by evildart17
Summary: Its naruto's birthday and the girls are making him a video but something goes array. Rated M for language and adult themes
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Naruto

I don't own Naruto

This is my first shot at a story I wrote so be nice

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Sakura: Nice video camera you have there Hinata.  
Hinata: Hey, thanks, Sakura. Give me a hand. I'm gonna film something for Naruto's birthday.  
Sakura: Oh, like a special Happy Birthday message?  
Hinata: Actually, I was thinking we could have a three way with him, and film it. You in, or should I go ask Ino?  
Sakura: Sure, I'll do it, but can we invite Ino anyway?  
Hinata: Well, I do love a good fourgy...

Kakashi. Visene did nothing for my sharingan. Gets the red out, my ass.

Kakashi: I think I'll leave Sasuke alone today, and help Naruto with his training.

Naruto: We're missing something very important. Wasn't I supposed to get a birthday fourgy?

Itachi: When I say, "Buy me a puppy, or I'll kill all of you," I mean it.

Naruto: Okay, stop. This is just stupid. I'm supposed to be a ninja. Steathy killer. So, I wear the loudest orange jumpsuit I can find, yell my damn fool head off, announce every move just before I make it. Oh, and three words: Shiny. Metal. Forehead. How the HELL is that stealthy?

Shikamaru: Hey, Shino. Let me get a dime bag. (well, that could actually happen)

Jiraya: Hey, Naruto, can I ask you for a favor?  
Naruto: Sure, what's up?  
Jiraya: Look, I'm a little ashamed of it, so I'm only ever going to say this once. I want a simple yes or no answer. Then, we never talk about it again. To anyone. Ever. Not Sakura. Not Sasuke. Not Kakashi. Got it?  
Naruto: Uh, okay, I guess.  
Jiraya. I will teach you three new Jounin-level ninjutsus in exchange for twenty minutes with the harem jutsu. Deal?  
Naruto: Three ninjutsus and one genjutsu.  
Jiraya: Done.  
Naruto: Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!  
Narutos: Transform!

Guy: Look, Kakashi. All I'm saying is, you get to make up your own technique, and the thing you come up with is sticking a finger up another man's rear? Sounds like someone has some repressed issues.  
Kakashi: They're not repressed at all. You know, I really like how that vest looks on you, Guy.  
Guy: Sorry, pal. barking up the wrong tree.

Sakura: Hey, Lee. You know, I really admire your determination. Your strength of character really stands out. You want to go get a bite to eat some time?  
Lee: I am saving myself for someone a little more... Never mind.  
Sakura: A little more what? You can tell me.  
Lee: Clean. A little more clean.  
Sakura: Clean!? What the hell do you mean, clean?!  
Lee: Look, I heard about the fourgy. Naruto's been passing out copies of the tape to anyone who wants one. Though I must admit, I am jealous of your flexibility, Sakura.

Naruto: I must work hard every day. I must train until I drop. I must follow my dream, thinking only of my goal. Only this way, will I become the next American Idol.

Kurenai: I'm... wearing... toilet paper!

Shikamaru: Hey, Asuma, let me get a drag off of that?  
Asuma: Well, um, it's... it's not tobacco.  
Shikamaru: I know. And it's puff puff pass, you bogart.  
Asuma: You mean, this whole time, you've known? But, how?  
Shikamaru: I buy from Shino, too, man. By the way, stay away from Kiba's supply, he lets Akamaru do weird things to it.  
Asuma: So, is that why Chouji's always eating, all the time?  
Shikamaru: No, he's just a fatass.

Tenten: Ninja weapons are cool, but I should probably learn to use a ninjutsu. I am supposed to be a ninja. Any jerk could carry a scroll aound. Hell, even Naruto can make a small army of clones of himself, and he's half retarted. All I can do is whip out my handy scroll. I don't even really throw the weapons. They just appear. And if I ever lost that scroll, I'd be useless. Geez, I really suck.

GammaBunta: Jiraya sure was tasty. Wonder what flavor Naruto is.

The Sound Four: So, either our village really sucks, or the Leaf Village is some scary new kind of badass. The four of us got tooled by Genin. We're friggin Jounin. Elite guards of our village, personally assigned by Orochimaru. And one of us was taken out by friggin Chouji, of all people. Neji I can understand, but Chouji? Jesus.

Lee: Guy-sensei! I hereby renounce you as my trainer!  
Guy: What? Why? Was it something i did? Some thing I said?  
Lee: No, it is this silly haircut you force me to get. My hair was way cooler before I became your student. I even had a chance to get laid! But now, I look like you, Konoha's own 40-year-old-virgin!  
Guy: Are you kidding!? I get more action off the battlefield than on it. Why just this morning, I was helping Kurenai put her toilet paper wrapback on and...  
Lee: Seriously!?  
Guy: Of course. And she suggested we call up Hinata. She said she heard something about a camera, and Sakura's flexibility.  
Lee: stunned silence

And here I thought I'd get booted for this stuff. Well, you asked for it:

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-Thanks for reading

-Don't forget to review cause I can see how many hits I get


	2. Chapter 2

Ino: There, you are, Shino

**-I DON'T OWN NARUTO**

-READ AND REVIEW THAT'S ALL I ASK

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Ino: There, you are, Shino. I have been looking all over for you!  
Shino... And?  
Ino: Well, you can control bugs, right?  
Shino: Yeah.  
Ino: Any kind of bug? Or just certain kinds of bugs? Or, is it just your own special bugs? If you can conrtol any bug at all, that would be really cool!  
Shino: Yeah. Almost any bug.  
Ino: Hey, that's great! Super cool! Wouldn't expect any less from the great Aburame clan!  
Shino: Why are you fidgeting?  
Ino: Well, you see, I have this problem. Can you keep a secret? What am i saying? Of course you can, you almost never speak anyway.  
Shino...  
Look, I have ... lice. Yeah, lice. I need you to get rid of them for me. Can you do that?  
Shino: Maybe.  
Ino: That's great! Give it a shot, and we'll just keep this between us, ok?  
Shino: I tried. There are no lice bugs on your head. Never were.  
Ino: (looking embarassed)Ok, look. It's not lice, exactly. Well, it is, but not head lice. See, we were making this birthday present for naruto, and I think I caught something from Sakura...  
Shino: Wait... you mean... crabs!?  
Ino: Can you help me or not?  
Shino: It's gonna cost you. Big time.  
Ino: Just name your price. And promise you'll keep quiet.  
Shino: Make Kiba stop selling his weed on my streets. It's my turf. Always was, always will be. Enforce that for me.  
Ino: Consider it done. Now, get these little critters off my cooch! They itch like all get-out!

Sakura: Hey, Naruto, how was your birthday?  
Naruto: It was awesome! To think, the first birthday I have that everyone doesn't miss, and I get a fourgy! With video proof, to boot!  
Sakura:Yeah, I didn't miss your birthday this year, that's for sure.  
Naruto: Oh, yeah, is your leg feeling any better? You're not quite as flexible as you think.  
Sakura: That's fine, thanks. But, speaking of missing things, I missed something since your birthday.  
Naruto: What, lose a kunai somewhere during the fun? I know I lost a few items in umm... dark caverns.  
Sakura: No, not like that, something more important. A monthly event.  
Naruto: What, did the full moon fall on my birthday or something?  
Sakura: No, I missed, I missed my period, Naruto.  
Naruto: So, buy another one.  
Sakura: You idiot! I t means I'm pregnant!  
Naruto: **Ack! Seriously!** That's what that means? Well, when did that happen?  
Sakura: What do you mean? It happened at your little birthday "party."  
Naruto: So, you're saying I'm the father?  
Sakura: Yes, Naruto. We're going to have a baby.  
Naruto: Hold it right there, sister. I ain't paying a damn dime of child support until Maury says "Naruto, you are the father!" I've heard about you!  
Sakura: What is that supposed to mean?  
Naruto: Don't play coy with me, honey! I heard all about you hitting on Lee. And Kakashi. Shino. Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Guy, Asuma, And even (ugh) Orochimaru.  
Sakura: Well, I'll see you on Maury, then, you deadbeat.  
Naruto: That kid ain't mine! Believe it!  
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Deidara: Hey, Sasori-sama. You've been in Akatsuki longer than i have. Can I ask you a question?  
Sasori: Make it fast. i hate waiting.  
Deidara: Yeah, i know. You keep saying that. Seriously, get over it, man. Anyway, what's up with the black cloaks with the red clouds on them? I understand art and all, but these seem a little... foofy.  
Sasori: Oh yeah, that. Well, originally, Akatsuki was something completely different.  
Deidara: So, the red clouds have nothing to do with the Jinchuuriki? I thought so. What are they for, anyway?  
Sasori: Originally, Akatsuki was just me, Orochimaru, Itachi, and the leader. We were a...  
Deidara: Yeah? A What?  
Sasori: A Beatles cover band. But then, Kabuto came along, and went all Yoko on Orochimaru. "Tickled his snake" just right, get me? So, the band broke up, we got bored, and started torturing and killing twelve-year-olds.  
Deidara: Wow, that's a hell of a gear shift. What brought that about?  
Sasori: We got some bad weed from this Kiba kid. Got the idea in our heads, and it just stuck.  
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Kiba: Hey, Ino. You here to help me make some sales?  
Ino: Actually, I'm here to stop you. Completely. With force if I must.  
Kiba: Ah, Shino sent you did he?  
Ino: Wow, you really know your competition. yeah, Shino sent me.  
Kiba. That's not how I know. He's been telling everyone.  
Ino: Telling them what?  
Kiba: That you caught crabs from Sakura during Naruto's birthday fourgy, and he cured you.  
Ino: Are you serious!?  
Kiba: Yup. Honestly, I've never seen the guy so chatty. He's even giving away bootleg copies of the video to everyone who buys weight.  
Ino: That bastard! I'll kill him! He promised he wouldn't tell if I made you stop selling! Argh!  
Kiba: So, you want to help me undercut his business?  
Ino: Damn straight! Run him right out of Konoha!

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Pakkun: Hey, Kakashi, we need to talk.  
Kakashi: Yeah, what is it?  
Pakkun: Well, I know you signed the scroll with us, making a deal for the summoning jutsu. I get that. It's cool, you earned the right.  
Kakashi.Okay...  
Pakkun: And we're sworn to help you fight for the rest of your life, no matter what.  
Kakashi: Yeah, that's my understanding of it.  
Pakkun: But, you've kind of been abusing the situation a bit.  
Kakashi: How do you mean?  
Pakkun: Don't play innocent with me. If i have to tell that cute little poodle to "keep warm" for me one more night just because you're too lazy to get your own paper, the deal is off. And I am not fetching your slippers until you learn to wash your feet. Did you see how i have to carry those things? I don't even have a toothbrush.  
Kakashi: Okay, i see your point. Can we still play fetch in the park?  
Pakkun: Fetch? I love fetch! Oh boy! Where's the stick! You got the stick? Throw the stick!  
Kakashi: Stupid dog.

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Kakashi: Hey, Kurenai, I was wondering if you'd like to help me train a bit.  
Kurenai: Oh, wow. The legendary Hatake Kakashi, asking me to help him train. Sure, I'll help out. What do you need, Sharingan practice?  
Kakashi: No, nothing like that. i just want to work on one of my jutsu.  
Kurenai: Oh, I see. Which one, Chidori? Or maybe the Water Dragon? That one sounds cool, but I've never seen it myself.  
Kakashi: Actually, i was wondering if you'll let me practice the "1000 Years" Jutsu on you.  
Kurenai: Oh, I don't do that sort of thing anymore, honey. There was a time i would have loved a good poking, but now that I'm with Guy, It's just me and him. And Hinata. Sometimes Sakura. And Ino.  
Kakashi: My rival defeats me once again...  
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Shiizune: Honorable Hokage, here's your mail for today.  
Tsunade: All right. Lets see what we've got... Hey, I could already be a winner!  
Shiizune: Not another stupid contest...  
Tsunade: You know I love to win stuff!  
Shiizune: How would you know, it's never happened before.  
Tsunade: Whatever. Hey, a letter from the Department of Labor. Wonder what they want. (opens letter) What the Hell!  
Shiizune: What!? What's wrong?  
Tsunade: "It has come to our attention that you have been illegally using child labor in your endeavors and using those children to perform inordinately dangerous tasks. A full investigation will ensue posthaste."  
Shiizune: That sounds awful!"  
Tsunade: Of course it's dangerous, they're friggin ninjas! And I guess twelve years old is a little young to send someone to their potential death, but it's not like we don't train them, or anything. We even give them weapons.  
Shiizune: You might not want to say it quite like that at the hearing.  
Tsunade: Whatever. let's see what's next. Hey, the NAACP. (opens letter) Jesus! Again!?  
Shiizune: Now what is it?  
Tsunade: "This letter is to inform you that it has come to our attention that your workplace is not ethnically diverse enough. To remedy this situation, please use affirmative action to increase the diversity."  
Shiizune: But everyone in the academy is from Konoha, and you can't really control who lives here and who doesn't.  
Tsunade: Look, we'll just have to make it look like we're trying. And anyway, if there's one profession you don't want affirmative action bringing down the average scores, it's ninja work!  
Shiizune: That sounds a little... racist. Might not want to say that at the hearing, either.  
Tsunade: Screw you. Ugh, I'm stressed. Here's 20 bucks. Go get the usual from Shino. And if you try subbing Kiba's lower-quality stuff one more time, I'll be needing a new assistant.  
Shiizune: Yes, Hokage.  
Tsunade: And send Sakura in here. Her flexibility will be useful.

Sakura: Excuse me, Honorable Hokage, I heard you wanted to see me?  
Tsunade: (hides a pipe) Oh, uh, yeah, just in time. Heh, heh, heh.  
Sakura: Actually, I needed to speak to you. I have this little problem, you see.  
Tsunade:Here, take this. It'll get those little critters right off. Works for me every time.  
Sakura:What? Oh, no, not that. I've learned to live with my VD. But, I want your help with something. It seems I'm pregnant.  
Tsunade: Oh, wow. That... sucks. You're like, what, thirteen? Crazy. I'm in my... Well, I'm older than you, still, no kids. Didn't use protection, huh? Heat of the moment kind of thing?  
Sakura: I can't remember, I'll have to check the tapes...  
Tsunade: Tapes? You mean you filmed...? Never mind, what was your question?  
Sakura:I was wondering if you think I should raise this kid, or give him or her up for adoption.  
Tsunade: A keeper, or a giveaway, huh? Well, there's always the third option, you know...  
Sakura: Um, what do you mean?  
Tsunade: You know, the old "Wire Coat-Hanger Jutsu!"  
Sakura: But... I couldn't... I would never...!  
Tsunade: Oh, it's not such a big deal. Even tickles a little if you ask me. Why Don't I call Shiizune in here, and we'll get that started. She's a pro...  
Sakura: Actually, i think I'll go talk to someone else, thanks.

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Well there you go I hope you guys like this chapter more then the other one

Don't forget to review


	3. Chapter 3

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

HERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER ENJOY

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Deidara: Hmmm.  
Sasori: Hey, Deidara, what's on TV today?  
Deidara: Hmmm. Nothing good. Hmmm.  
Sasori: If that's the case, do you mind if we watch my favorite show, "The Muppets?"  
Deidara: mmm. I hate muppets. Hmmm. They scare me. Hmmm.  
Sasori: Look, I'm only gonna say this once. What's with the "Hmmm" all the time? Do you think it makes you sound cool?  
Deidara: It makes me sound thoughtful and intellectual.  
Sasori: Actually, you just sound constipated.  
Deidara: Up yours, puppet-boy.  
Sasori: Another thing, what's with the little mouths on your hands? I've heard of going blind, which I see you have in one eye, and hairy palms, but how often does it take to grow little mouths on your palms? Once a day? Twice? Even more?  
Deidara: Hmmm. I've had enough of you. Like I need to take this from a guy who lives inside of a puppet. Mr. "I'm too good to wait for others... I don't like making others wait..." no one cares.  
Sasori: Watch it, you, or you'll get intimately acquainted with this kunai. Shove it where it don't belong, soak you with the garden hose, lock you in the freezer. Make myself a blond moron-flavored Popsicle.

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Shikamaru: So, the usual place, then?  
Choji: Nah, I'm kind of sick of barbecue. Let's try that new place today!  
Shikamaru: You mean Subway of Konoha? It's just a lousy sandwich shop. What a pain.  
Sakura: Welcome to Subway, how can I help... Oh, it's you guys.  
Choji: I'll have three of everything. Extra pickles.  
Shikamaru: What are you doing, working here? Being a ninja not working out? The Fifth a bit stingy with her apprentice?  
Sakura: No, it's not that, it's just... Ever since naruto's birthday, I've been preparing for a bigger expense.  
Shikamaru: What, you gonna buy him something nice next year or something?  
Sakura: Huh? No, see... it's well, it's.  
Shikamaru: Forget it. Too much of a drag to ask.  
Ino: Bwahahahaha! Hey, sandwich artist! Paint me a BLT?  
Sakura: Shut up, Ino!  
Choji: Hey, never make fun of people who prepare food! It is the most sacred of duties on this planet!  
Ino: Whatever.  
Shikamaru: She's right, man. No matter what they tell you, it's not art. Just put the tomato on the stupid sandwich.  
Random Customer: Hey, Da Vinci, you think I could catch you in your some god damned service period here?  
Shikamaru: Just pick up tomato, put on sandwich. Not a pain at all.  
Ino: Hey, can I trade my chips for two cookies, or is that substitution jutsu a little too high-level for you?  
Random Customer: Wait, you're a ninja, too? Wow. How about this, honey. Mustard, no mayo, pickles, lettuce, and take it easy on the exploding tags, okay there Cold-cut-kage?  
Shikamaru: Wow, that was a little harsh, actually.  
Choji: I bet she's the fastest Sandwich artist in this here town.  
Ino: Yeah, then some salami slinging south paw sandwich idiot savant takes the title one day, gets a rock opera written about him. sings "That left hand tard kid sure makes a mean meatball..."  
Shikamaru: Okay, that was just stupid.  
Random Customer: You work for the Hokage? Well, I work for mister in a big hurry, so slap some ham on that bad boy, and send him down the line like he was your last "mission" of the night. I'm a busy man, go go go!  
Sakura: Hey, I'm fast!  
Ino: We've heard.  
Choji: Oooh, burn.  
Random Customer: Look, sweetie. Unless "Bunshin no Jutsu" is code for "I need more pickles out here," you best be getting back to work. Believe it.  
Shikamaru: Wait a sec, is that you, Naruto?  
Random Customer: Who, me? Uh, noo, I'm not Naruto... believe it. I'm just some guy, trying to buy a sandwich. Believe it.  
Choji: Look, even I figured out it's you, and I'm busy with this here turkey and swiss. Give it up, man.  
Ino: Wow Naruto, that's mean. Considering this is your fault, and all.  
Naruto: What do you mean?  
Ino: You know, she's working here to make extra cash to buy stuff for someone...  
Naruto: But my birthday came and went. I even got a fourgy!  
Shikamaru: We know, stop bragging!  
Ino: You idiot! She's saving up for when she has your love child, moron.  
Naruto: I still say that little brat ain't mine! Believe it!  
Sakura: You guys all suck, I hate all of you!  
Shikamaru: Maybe we were a tad cruel.  
Choji: Shut up and eat a sandwich. Makes it all better. Makes the sadness go away...  
Naruto: Oooooookay...

Lee: Okay, bye, everyone . . . Neji, what are you doing, hiding behind that fence? I can see your toes past the edge.  
Neji: Keep it down, you idiot! She might hear you!  
Lee: Who might hear me? Sakura? What's the big deal?  
Neji: Well, you've heard what's happened to her, right?  
Lee; Please, elaborate...  
Neji: She's pregnant.  
Lee: Oh, yeah, that. Yeah, I know. That's why she's been working at Subway of Konoha. Needs the cash, I guess.  
Neji: Jeez, I don't know what to do...  
Lee: About what?  
Neji: Well, it might be my kid!  
Lee: What? No, you fool. It's Naruto's kid. He's the only one she's... Wait, wait. I get it. You never had time to have "the talk" with your dad, since he's dead. See, the father is not determined randomly, or by some lottery system, what happens is...  
Neji:I know how it works. And thank you for bringing up my dead father. Jerk.  
Lee: Ah, the great Neji would know all, wouldn't he... Probably learned a lot with that Byakugan, huh? Wait... If you know how it works, and you're afraid you might be the father, then that means... You... and Sakura...  
Neji: Yeah, I've been tapping that since right after the exams.  
Lee: Man, it's a good thing I got over her. Otherwise, we'd have a problem. So, she comforted you after you lost to Naruto, huh?  
Neji: What? No, the other exam.  
Lee: There was no other exam. What are you talking about? The only other exam we've ever taken was the ... ... ... Oh, god. You mean the Graduation Exam, don't you?  
Neji: Yeah, she needed a shoulder to cry on after learning she got paired up with Naruto.  
Lee: So, you mean to tell me you were, ahem "tapping that" while I was very infatuated with her?  
Neji: That's about the long and short of it, yeah.  
Lee: I hereby swear, by the Will of Fire of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, that one day, I shall stand in victory over your broken, lifeless body, and laugh as tears stream down the horrified faces of those who love you.  
Neji: Wow. Wow, man. Get a grip. I thought you got over her.  
Lee: Well, so did I, damn it!

Lee: Hey, Tenten. Can I ask you something?  
Tenten: Sure, what's up?  
Lee: I need a favor. I'd like you to help me get Sakura. In exchange, I'll teach you how to be a real ninja.  
Tenten: What, like a prank?  
Lee: No, I want her to be mine. I still love her. I think about her all the time. And that jackass Neji just treats her like Akamaru treats his chew toys.  
Tenten: What? You know she's nasty, right? She's been around the block more times than the mailman! She's had more ninjas in her than the Konoha Academy! But you stil...  
Lee: The heart of a man will want what it wants, regardless of reason.  
Tenten: I see. So, if the village smokehouse is what you want, I guess I'll help. But what's this "actual ninja" stuff?  
Lee: You know, how to do more than summon weapons from a stupid scroll. How to actually fight.  
Tenten: I can fight!  
Lee: People are talking behind your back. Everyone thinks you're a joke. Our team is Neji, the Genious, Lee, the Hard Worker, and Tenten, the Sexual Equality Assurance.  
Tenten: That's horrible! But, I guess I can't argue. Okay, it's a deal.  
Lee: Thank you Tenten! Now, i figure the best way to get her will be flowers! And candy! And, I can write poems about my undying love!  
Tenten: smacks Lee Stop that right now! You know nothing of what works on women! If some guy did that to me, I would think he was just a needy, whiny pansy wimp chump loser.  
Lee: So, what must I do to get the village smokehouse? Wait, village smokehouse? Why would you call her that? I think she's smoking hot, but you...?  
Tenten: The village smokehouse, where every man does put his meat.  
Lee: You are warped.  
Tenten: Whatever. Listen, a woman wants a man she can count on. If you go professing undying love before the first date with her, you might flake out and do the same thing with the next chick that walks by.  
Lee: I would never do something like that!  
Tenten: I know that, but she doesn't. The first thing we must do is get you acting like you are the prize. Make her win your affection, not you trying to win hers.  
Lee: Ah, I see. How do we begin?  
Tenten: Well, first, we pretend I'm your girlfriend.  
Lee: Okay, we'll see how it goes!

Ino: So, reduced to being a Part-Time Ninja now, huh?  
Sakura: Shut up, Ino. You know I'm going to need the money, since Naruto won't lift a finger to help me.  
Ino: Why should he? No telling who's kid it might be.  
Sakura: That's not fair, and you know it. Hey, is that Lee and Tenten?  
Ino: Yeah, I think it is. When did they get all lovey-dovey? I thought he had a huge crush on you?  
Sakura: I thought so too. I have no idea when this happened.

Lee and Tenten are out of hearing range of Sakura and Ino

Lee: So, I should go get you flowers, now! And chocolates! And I will write poems and songs!  
Tenten: No, idiot. Stop whining all over the place. A woman wants a strong man. Not a gopher or a lap dog.  
Lee: So, how should I act?  
Tenten: Confident.  
Lee: But what does that mean?  
Tenten: Act like it's your right to have me around. Like you know you're good enough no matter what you do. I want a man who knows he deserves a great woman. Having that man makes me feel like I am a great woman. I don't want the desperate guy who will work his ass off to keep me. He's a pathetic loser, and if I'm with him, I'm settling. He's beneath me. Be equal to me, or, even better, above me. Also, never compromise your values just for a girl. A man has a mission in life, and that mission is the most important thing in his life. A man works towards his mission every day. He must see having a girlfriend as the reward for staying true to his mission, not the other way around.  
Lee: I see. Get on top of you, and work it like I'm on a mission.  
Tenten Smacks Lee you simpleton! Are you even literate? Honestly. If that's all you took from that, there might not be any help for you.  
Lee: You are right! I agree completely!  
Tenten: Stop agreeing with every little thing I say. It makes you seem spineless. If you disagree about something, don't be afraid to straighten me out. Listen, do you want someone who is your lord and master, or do you want someone who likes you for who you are?  
Lee: No, I want Sakura!  
Tenten: Argh! Okay, clear my mind... relax... breathe... Okay. Now, do you want Sakura to like you for who you are?  
Lee: Of course.  
Tenten: So, how can she do that when you won't show her who you are? If you compromise your views to match hers, she is looking into a mirror. She did do that fourgy, but I don't think she's all lesbian. She wants a Man, not a woman who is a copy of herself. Stay true to what's inside you. Then you can learn what's inside her, and see if they're compatible. If they are, great. If not, time to move on.  
Lee: I see! I must disagree with a girl to get inside of her!  
TentenSmacks Lee again You've been hanging out with Naruto and Jiraya too much!  
Lee: These are very painful lessons. Even more than the Primary Lotus.  
Tenten: And who says I'm weak?  
Lee: Everyone.  
Tenten: It was a rhetorical question, jerk.  
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Ino: Hey, lover's quarrel.  
Sakura: Yeah, no kidding! It's a good thing Tenten's so pathetic. Otherwise, those slaps might do some damage.  
Ino: Couldn't have been too bad. They're going off together. Didn't see that one coming, huh?  
Sakura: Most definitely not. You know, he is kind of cute, walking around with her like that.  
Ino: Now, now, is someone thinking about cheating on Naruto?  
Sakura: What? No, I'm...  
Ino: Aha! So, you admit you're with Naruto!  
Sakura: No, Ino-pig. Listen...  
Ino: Stop calling me that, and Aha! So, you broke up with Naruto! Who are you after next? Shino? Kiba? Chouji?  
Sakura: Chouji's nice and all, but I prefer my men athletic. With dark, brooding eyes, and a cold, distant persona. But you're missing the point. I am not now, have never been, and will never be, with Naruto!  
Ino: Not so fast, I was there. You were "with" Naruto more than me or Hinata.  
Sakura: You know what I mean.

Hinata: Hey, Sakura, can I have a word with you?  
Sakura: Sure, Hinata. What's on your mind?  
Hinata: Well, there's a rumor going around that you're pregnant. Is that true?  
Sakura:Yeah, it's true. That's why I've been working at Subway of Konoha. Eat fresh! Ever since our little birthday present to Naruto...  
Hinata: whispers Hallowed be His name  
Sakura: I've been saving everything I can. What was that?  
Hinata: Nothing. So, who's the lucky father? Is it my cousin, Neji?  
Sakura: No, not Neji. Well, probably not, we were always very careful. You know who the father is.  
Hinata: Must be Sasuke. Left you a little "reminder" before betraying his village, huh?  
Sakura: No, he is not the father. And don't bring that up, I'm still getting over that.  
Hinata: So, not Neji, not Sasuke... then who could... Oh, oh, no. You don't mean...  
Sakura: That's right.. Good old...  
Hinata: Kakashi! It's gotta be! He didn't force you, did he? Oh, man. Teacher and student. They could fire him for this.  
Sakura: What? But we never... It's not Kakashi. That's gross. I respect him as a teacher, a mentor, and a friend. Plus, i hear he prefers his partners a little more manly.  
Kiba: bumps into Hinata while walking by Oh, sorry, Hinata. Wasn't paying attention.  
Hinata: quickly picks something up, puts it away Forget about it.  
Sakura: What was that, Hinata?  
Hinata: Nothing. Forget about it. Nothing.  
Sakura: It's okay, you can tell me. Is that a little stuffed animal?  
Hinata: No, it's... Here. Just look for yourself.  
Sakura: Is this... Is this a hair doll?  
Hinata: Yeah. I've been collecting them for years. Every time His Excellency loses a hair, I collect it, wash the unworthy soil off, and add it to the collection.  
Sakura: It's bright yellow, so, this must be Naruto's...  
Hinata: whispers Hallowed be His name.  
Sakura: hair. What do you keep whispering? Something about his name.  
Hinata: Yeah, His excellency's name. It's a sacred word.  
Sakura: You mean, Naruto  
Hinata: whispers Hallowed be  
Sakura Stop that. It's creepy.

Hinata.Is it? Is it creepy to love someone? Is it wrong to hold Him in my heart? To worship Him in every way? To revere His very being? To collect His hair, and make a doll, that He may always be with me, no matter where I might go? To take His dirty laundry, if only to smell His wonderful scent? To watch, from afar, as He bathes, to ensure that His perfect form be always clean and pure? To sneak in, and hold Him, as He sleeps, though He knows it not? Is that creepy?  
Kiba: Yes. Yes it is. That's called stalking.  
Sakura: Sounds like you've got it bad. Man, it's a shame you're not having Naruto's kid, huh?  
Hinata: I will someday. Believe me, I will.  
Kiba: That's kind of sweet, i guess. They can play together, half siblings and all.  
Hinata: What do you mean? I'm not going to have anyone else's kid. No other seed is worthy of the womb that shall bear His Sacred Fruit.  
Sakura: He means my kid. Me and Naruto's  
Hinata: You mean... You're saying... It's Naruto's, His Excellency's kid...  
Sakura: Yeah, ever since the fourgy, I  
Hinata: Liar! Unclean One! How dare you! You must never speak that way! Blasphemy! May your tongue rot in your mouth! I will kill you if you say that again! It better not be His child! I'll kill you, and it! Only I am worthy to bear His Holy Line! Runs off, crying  
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THERE YOU GO

DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW


	4. Chapter 4

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

HERE WE GO AGAIN THE NEXT CHAPTER

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Sakura: Wow, that was weird. You know anything about this, Kiba?  
Kiba: Yeah, that chick is nuts.  
Sakura: I wouldn't want to be on her team, if she's that unstable.  
Kiba: It's not so bad, actually. On this one mission, the bad guy had us all beat, even Shino and me. When she said she regretted not being able to see Naruto again, the bad guy had the nerve to say he'd kill Naruto when he was done with us. Big mistake.  
Sakura: Hinata kind of lost it, huh? Beat him up pretty bad?  
Kiba: Beat him up? I'm still trying to wash that guy's brains out of Akamaru's fur. She got bits of him everywhere. Anyway, you seen Ino anywhere? She's supposed to be helping me sell... stuff.  
Sakura: Yeah, I think she's over by the Stadium, talking to Tenten and Chouji.  
Kiba: Thanks. For your sake, I hope it's Neji's kid.  
Sakura: Thanks, I guess.

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Ino: So, you're actually dating Rock Lee? Like, seriously?  
Tenten: Yeah, that's right.  
Chouji: As in Rock "Can you Smeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllll what the Rock Lee is cooking?" Lee?  
Tenten: Yeah. It's true.  
Ino: Okay. But, why?  
Tenten: What do you mean why? He's a good guy. Dedicated. Honest. Hard working. Loyal.  
Ino: Okay, sure. But, why are you dating him? You could do much better. Sure, you're worthless as a ninja, but as a woman, you've got some merit.  
Chouji: She's right, Tenten.  
Tenten: Why don't you both shut up, I am not worthless as a ninja. Besides, Lee is teaching me how to fight like he does.  
Ino: Ah, the truth shines forth.  
Tenten: Meaning what, exactly?  
Ino: You're just using him to learn proper taijutsu. String him along to get what you want, then toss him to the curb. I should have known. He isn't that high up in the Bachelor Bingo Book. Though, it does seem a little cold for you, Tenten. Tell me, are you at least putting out for him?  
Tenten: What!? No, it's not...  
Chouji: That's rough. If you're gonna learn his moves, you should at least make it worth the effort.  
Tenten: No, it's not like that. He really is a good catch. And we're not doing... that.  
Ino: Sucks for him.  
Chouji: Totally.  
Kiba: Hey, Ino! Come here for a minute!  
Ino walks off towards Kiba  
Chouji: So, Tenten, where would you rate me on the "Dateable" scale? Say, one to ten.  
Tenten: Honestly? The book has you at a 5.3. Slightly above average.  
Chouji: Above average, huh? Not bad. What book is this?  
Tenten: The Konoha Bachelor Bingo Book. Uh, wait. You had me distracted. I'm not supposed to talk about that with guys.  
Chouji: You mean there's really a Bingo Book listing all of the bachelors in Konoha? With a rating and everything? I thought you guys were just kidding.  
Tenten: Yeah, we all have a copy. If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you have a look.  
Chouji: Sure, I can keep a secret. Oh, man! Poor Naruto! Only a 2.6. It's kind of sad, really. And... wait. This must be old. It still has Sasuke in it.  
Tenten: It gets updated every month.  
Chouji: Let me get this straight. Sasuke betrays the village, beats Sakura unconscious, tries to kill naruto, joins up with Orochimaru, a sworn enemy of Konoha, and he somehow still gets an 8.4? This world is not fair.  
Tenten: Hey, I don't make the book. I just live by it.  
Chouji: Really, then let's see what your little boyfriend Lee gets... Hmm... Alphabetical... Lee... Rock... Here we go. Oh, what the hell? A 6.9? How in the hell could he, of the fuzzy eyebrows and bowl haircut, get a score like that?  
Tenten: Well, he does have incredible stamina. He's loyal and caring, and he is Gai-sensei's favorite student.  
Chouji: So?  
Tenten: The same Gai that keeps Kurenai satisfied? The Gai that Kurenai chose to stay with when she rejected Kakashi? I'm sure Gai passed on some pointers here and there. Those alone probably earn him an extra two points.  
Chouji: Wow. What a world, man. What a world. Hahahahahaaa! Kiba only gets a 2! Why is that?  
Tenten: He wants to do everything with Akamaru. And I do mean everything. And that sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.  
Chouji: Isn't that technically illegal?  
Tenten: Yeah, but who's really gonna call him on it? ANBU? They're a little busy doing real work, you know?  
Chouji: Fair enough.

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Kiba: I thought you were going to help me move product. get back at Shino.  
Ino: And I thought you were going to stop letting Akamaru "Dynamic Mark" the supply.  
Kiba: Well, how else am I supposed to tell who buys my stuff or who buys his?  
Ino: I don't know, maybe a different color baggie? Maybe just know your own product? Put a business card with each order? Anything would be better than dog urine. What were you thinking?  
Kiba: It's a family thing. See, in my family, we all...  
Ino: Forget I asked. Look, bring me some clean supply, and I'll bag it and get it out there. I know for a fact The Fifth is hurting, now that Shino's stash got raided.  
Kiba: What? When did that happen?  
Ino: About half an hour after I tipped off ANBU on where to find his storehouse.  
Kiba: Nice! Remind me to never get on your bad side. Hey, is that Naruto?  
Ino: Oh, god, just when i thought this place couldn't get any dumber.  
Naruto: Hey, Believe it! I got a fourgy!  
Kiba: No one cares anymore, Naruto. Old news. You deadbeat dad. And Ino, that's harsh.  
Naruto: Listen carefully. Not. My. Kid. Believe it.  
Ino: Yeah, and who's kid is it?  
Naruto: Take your pick. Neji. Chouji. Kakashi. Orochimaru. Sasuke. Kiba.  
Kiba: Not me, man. I'm still a virg... I mean... I wasn't even in town when she...  
Ino: You're still... You mean, you've never...  
Naruto: KIBA'S STILL A VIR... Kiba grabs Naruto's throat  
Kiba: Finish that sentence, and it will be the last word you'll ever say.  
Naruto: Touchy, much? All right, all right, I'll keep quiet. Kiba let's go  
Ino: You know, some girls think that a man still being a vir...  
Kiba: Watch it...  
Ino: Sorry. Still being... that... is attractive.  
Kiba: You saying you'd be attracted to someone who was... like that?  
Ino: Oh, no, not me. I said some girls. I like my men to have an experienced hand. like Gai-sensei. Now that's a real man.  
Naruto: You know, I might have to give this whole taijutsu suit look a try.  
Ino: You don't have the manliness for it.  
Naruto: Listen, sister, I got plenty of manliness! I'll have you know, I got a fourgy, and...  
Ino: I know. I was there. And take it from experience, you are not that manly.  
Kiba: Ouch. That was way worse than what you were gonna yell about me.  
Naruto: Yeah. I'm gonna go sulk now. Maybe it'll make me more emo, and girls around here will like me more.  
Ino: Don't hold your breath. On second thought, hold it. With any luck, you'll get brain damage, and we won't have to see you anymore.  
Kiba: Isn't his brain damaged enough?  
Naruto: Watch it, dog breath. Anyway, I'm gonna start sulking like Sasuke. I don't get it. Why do the chicks all dig the sad guy, with the crybaby back-story?  
Ino: It makes him more sensitive, more approachable. I want to be the girl that makes him forget all about his troubles. swoon  
Naruto: You know, Orochimaru and Kabuto are probably teaching him the Drop-The-Soap Jutsu as we speak.  
Ino: You hush!

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Tenten: Okay, are you ready for your next lesson?  
Lee: I am always ready. How do we start? 500 pushups? 100mile run? four billion laps around Konoha?  
Tenten: How, exactly do you think that will help?  
Lee: I don't know. It's just what I always do.  
Tenten: And how has that worked out so far, in getting Sakura?  
Lee: Poorly.  
Tenten: Right. Now, shut up and listen. You're going to have to stop talking to me so much. It's killing our relationship, and it's not even real.  
Lee: But, isn't communication good?  
Tenten: Yes, listening and talking are good, when it's time to do that sort of thing. But not all the time. Do you want Sakura to be your friend, or your girlfriend?  
Lee: I want Sakura to be my sex slave.  
Tenten: Slaps Lee If that's all you really want, then just go find a look-alike who charges by the hour.  
Lee: You are right. In all seriousness, i want her to be my girlfriend.  
Tenten: Then don't talk so much. See, it's a difference between the sexes. When you men get together with friends, what do you do?  
Lee: Train, play basketball, train, race go-karts. Train, play poker. Train, study the fourgy tapes. And train.  
Tenten: Do you ever sit around and talk about your feelings?  
Lee: Hell no, I'm not Sasuke.  
Tenten: Correct, I guess. So, men reserve all of their talk of feelings for their romantic interest. So, when they talk and share with a woman, they get confused. They start developing romantic feelings for her. She has no feelings for him, because he's basically her emotional tampon at that point.  
Lee: I envy tampons.  
Tenten:Tries to slap Lee, he grabs her hand Stop talking like that.  
Lee: Enough with the slapping.  
Tenten: Looks down, blushingOkay.  
Lee: So, is there a way to avoid the Let's Just Be Friends?  
Tenten: Sure. Just like men get confused when sharing emotions, women get confused when doing only action things. They reserve things like going bowling, and dancing, for their romantic interests, and so, start to fall for whatever guy they're with.  
Lee: I see. This is starting to make more sense. What other lesson do you have today?  
Tenten: Judge by actions, not by words.  
Lee: What does that mean?  
Tenten: Let's say you've set a date with a woman. The time comes, she stood you up. You give her a call the next day, and she apologizes. So, you set another date. She flakes on you again.  
Lee: Maybe she has a reason?  
Tenten: She will always have a reason. That's not the issue. See, when a woman says she'll do something, it's not the same as a man saying it. A man's word is his bond. Women are more emotional than that. They are more influenced by what they are feeling at that time, and may change their minds later depending on what they are feeling.  
Lee: So women are catty, flaky, untrustworthy liars?  
Tenten: Kinda. It's not really malicious, or evil, just the way it is. It's nature at work. Women are not mysterious creatures. The answer to the riddle of women is that there is no riddle. Men assign all these meanings to what women do. You read what you want to read. When the truth is, she's not that complicated. Her actions mean more than her words. And, if you're a real man anyway, your time is too valuable to waste waiting for her a second time anyway. See?  
Lee: i get it. So, you want to start your training now? Judging by those slaps, you really need it.  
Tenten: I guess I have no choice, if everyone thinks I'm so weak.  
Lee: It's not just a thought, it's fact.  
Tenten: Now you're just being mean.

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Tsunade: Hey, there, Hinata. Really hitting the books, I see.  
Hinata:...  
Tsunade: What are you reading? Let's see... Anatomy. Modern Medicine. Ancient Folk Remedies. Beginner's Guide to Medical Jutsu. Thinking of becoming a medical ninja?  
Hinata:...  
Tsunade: Wow, so absorbed into your studies that you won't even respond. I admire that. I hate studying. You should talk to Sakura, she...  
Hinata: Don't ever say that name!  
Tsunade: Why not? She make you mad or something?  
Hinata:...  
Tsunade: Come on, you can tell me. It's all right. You two get into a fight?  
Hinata: We had an orgy.  
Tsunade: ... What!? God, have all you kids lost your minds? First, Sakura tells me she videotaped her... relations.  
Hinata: Yeah, I was there. It was my camera.  
Tsunade: You have got to be kidding me.  
Hinata: No, but Ino did most of the filming. I was too busy pleasuring His Excellency. Sakura was too busy stealing my destiny.  
Tsunade: What kind of things are you learning in the academy? In what world is that acceptable behavior? When i see Iruka, I'm gonna have a word... Wait, "His Excellency?"  
Hinata: Naruto.  
Tsunade: Never heard him called that before, that's for sure. So, how did Sakura steal your destiny?  
Hinata: She... she says she's... she says she's going to have His Excellency's firstborn!  
Tsunade: Oh, that. Yeah, she was saying something like that. So, you've got it real bad for old Naruto, huh? Got your first big crush?  
Hinata: His Excellency is perfection in human form. The Divine made manifest for the mortals of Earth. And I shall bear the fruit of his Holy Line.  
Tsunade: Yikes. I had no idea you could be so... obsessed. Its too bad Sakura is having his kid, isn't it?  
Hinata: It's a small matter. I can fix it.  
Tsunade: Fix it how? Wait, wait. Why exactly, are you reading all of these medical textbooks? What are you planning to do to Sakura?  
Hinata: I'm only going to reclaim what's mine. To retake my destiny. I will bear His Excellency's Holy Line. Only I am worthy.  
Tsunade: You know, from what I hear, it might not even be his kid. They say she's been around the block more times than a school bus.  
Hinata: It is a necessary risk. I must reclaim what is right fully mine, at any cost.  
Tsunade: Okay, but how, exactly, are you planning to do that?  
Hinata: Well, I'm going to develop a jutsu so I can open her up, take the fetus out, and implant it into my own womb.  
Tsunade: Okay. I want you to listen to me very carefully. Not just wait for your turn to talk, but actually listen. My answer is no. Got that? No. There will be none of that going on here.  
Hinata: You won't stop me. Hey, maybe you can do it! I won't have to learn it all, which might make it too late. You can just do it for me. You're some legendary medical ninja, right? Will you do it?  
Tsunade Not a chance, sister.  
Hinata: slams fist on table Just do this one thing for me!  
Tsunade: That's it. We're settling this once and for all. I know a guy who can help out, name of Maury. Owes me a favor. He'll tell us if it's really Naruto's kid or not. Just give me a couple of days.

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WELL THERE YOU GO PEOPLE

DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW

ALSO CHECK OUT MY PROFILE I NOW HAVE A POLL UP!


	5. Chapter 5

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

I DON'T OWN NARUTO  
HERE WE GO AGAIN

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Maury: Welcome to the Maury show. I, of course, am Mr. Chung. I mean Maury. My name is Maury. On today's show, we'll be discussing a very sensitive topic. Today is all about the troubles facing young ninjas in the modern world. Let's meet our first guest, an ex-leaf ninja named Sasuke.  
Sasuke: Um, hi, I guess.  
Maury: Why don't you tell us your story in your own words.  
Sasuke. Alright. I want to kill my brother. He's a jerk. Killed my whole family, just because Dad wouldn't buy him a puppy.  
Audience: Awwwww!  
Sasuke: Shut up. I told him he was, like, twenty years old, and he could just buy his own damn puppy. But, did he listen? No. So, he wipes out the whole clan, except for me, because apparently I'm not worth it.  
Audience: Booooo!  
Sasuke: Shut up. So, I swear my eternal revenge, like you'd expect, and do what I have to do to get strong enough to kill my brother and restore the glory of my clan. Naturally, I go running off to the sworn enemy of my village, a creepy guy who's into snakes.  
Audience: Oooooo...  
Sasuke: For the last time, shut up. I will kill all of you. It will not be fast.  
Maury: Okay, tiger, relax. Why don't we hear from this supposed mentor of yours. Orochimaru, come on out!  
Audience: Booooo!  
Orochimaru: Yeah, yeah, you don't know how it is. You don't know nothing.  
Maury: Why don't you tell us your side of the story. How did you meet Sasuke?  
Orochimaru: Well, one day, I was trying to steal his brother Itachi's body. But, Itachi was in Akatsuki, the crew I used to roll with. He beat me quite soundly, so I decided to go with my backup plan. Sasuke. Sweet, innocent Sasuke. Poor, moody, emo Sasuke. Lithe, creamy-skinned...  
Maury: Enough! Enough. That's gross. So, how long was it before you started... you know... "Showing the Snake?"  
Orochimaru: Hey, don't let Sasuke fool you. He wanted it. Wanted it real bad.  
Audience: Ewwww...  
Sasuke: Shut up. And you, I did not "want it" I want to kill my brother! Damnit!  
Orochimaru: Why must you say these things? Why do you have to hurt me like this?  
Maury: Speaking of hurt, let's bring out someone you hurt, snake man. Come on out here, Kabuto!  
Orochimaru: What!?  
Audience: cheering  
Kabuto to Sasuke You home wrecker!  
Sasuke: Don't start.  
Kabuto: Save it, Sulky McMopes-a-lot! How could you? How could you take away the only thing that really matters to me? How could you come between me and that big, strong, throbbing snake...  
Maury: Whoah, whoah. Hold it right there. Not that kind of show. Orochimaru, you have anything you want to say?  
Orochimaru: Kabuto, honey, you know I love only you. Sasuke means nothing to me. Why don't we run away together, and plan the destruction of the Leaf, like we used to?  
Kabuto: That sounds wonderful! Those are just the words I wanted to hear!  
Orochimaru and Kabuto leave  
Sasuke: Great. Now how am I supposed to get strong enough to kill my brother?  
Maury: Well, let's not worry about that for now. It seems we have another problem you can stick around for. Does the name Sakura ring a bell?  
Sasuke: Kinda. What about her?  
Maury: Well, when we return from commercial, We'll have her, you, and what might be your kid in the studio!  
Audience: Ooooooo...  
Sasuke kills one audience member, slowly Warned you. And wait, what? Our kid!? But she shouldn't remember... I mean, uhhhh, she was unconscious... I mean, we never...  
Maury: Nice save. More Maury after this.

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Maury: Hello, my name is Maury, and I have Yellow Fever. Oh, wait, we're live? Oh, nuts. I mean... uh...And welcome back. Today's show is all about ninjas, the ninjas who hate them, and the ninjas who love them. And, apparently, the ninjas who take advantage of them in their sleep.  
Sasuke: Watch it, Mr. Chung.  
So, why don't we get right to it. Sasuke, was there any special girl back in your village? Perhaps someone you had a crush on? Or who had a crush on you?  
Sasuke: Well, i never had much interest in girls, being emo, but I did have a stalker. That crazy Sakura chick. Dame was nuts about me. I treated her like the dirt you wash off of your dog's backside, but she couldn't get enough. I don't get it.  
Maury: So, the feelings weren't mutual?  
Sasuke: Of course not.  
Maury: Then why did you rape her?  
Sasuke: I didn't... I mean... well, not really, like, rape rape. More of a...  
Maury: Unconsentual sexual encounter while the unconsenting party doesn't have the ability to defend themselves?  
Sasuke: Yeah, like that!  
Maury: That's called rape, Don Juan. We'll get the authorities to deal with you later.  
Sasuke: I seriously doubt that.  
Maury: In the mean time, why don't we hear Sakura's story?

tape plays  
Sakura: All I ever wanted was for Sasuke to love me. I worship him. I adore him. Most of all, I refuse to lose him to Ino. I mean, wait, I want him. Bad. When I got pregnant, I dreamed about it being his kid. I wished with all my heart that I would get to be the mother of his child, help him restore the Uchiha clan, and live happily ever after. So, when the ANBU security squad told me they had video of him having his way with me before he left, I was overjoyed! I mean, sure, it would have been nice to have been awake for it, but, I'll take what victory I can get.  
tape ends

Maury: I have no idea if I should be mad at you or not anymore. Let's just bring her out. Sakura, come on out here!  
Audience: has no idea how to react  
Maury: Okay, so Sakura, is there anything you want to say to Sasuke?  
Sakura: Um,... I, Well,... Thank you, Sasuke! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! starts to cry It means so much to me that I get to be the mother of your child! We'll get married, and have a huge wedding, and live by the sea, and raise a whole bunch of little Uchiha's!  
Sasuke: Quit your crying, psycho. It can't be my kid.  
Sakura: You monster! How could you say that? After all the intimate nights we shared... All the love...  
Sasuke; It was one time, and you were unconscious.  
Maury: While that may be true, one time is all it takes.  
Sasuke: Not in this case. Look, it goes like this. Sakura is what, three months pregnant? Did you see how many filler episodes there are? I left the village, like ten months ago! It can't possibly be my kid, he'd be chugging bottles and filling diapers by now.  
Sakura: My god! My god, he's right! collapses, crying hard Oh, why, God, why would you torture me like this?  
Maury: I guess we should get to the envelope. Opens envelope Sasuke, you are not the father.  
Sasuke: Thanks, Captain Obvious. Look, sucks for you Sakura, but, hey, I've gotta get back to training. I wanna kill my brother. You know, that whole song-and-dance.  
Maury: Not so fast. Just go wait in the back; we have another guest for you later. There's another survivor of the Uchiha Massacre!  
Sasuke: More surprises? Jesus. You know I hate you now, right? I'm gonna go grab a Diet Coke. Sasuke leaves

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THANKS FOR READING DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW

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TELL YOUR FRIENDS ALSO ABOUT THIS STORY


	6. Chapter 6

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

I DON'T OWN NARUTO

HERE WE GO AGAIN  
SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE

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Maury: Listen Sakura, if you want,  
Sakura: cries uncontrollably  
Maury: If you'd like us...  
Sakura: cries very loud  
Maury: If you want, I can...  
Sakura: half screaming/half crying  
Maury: slaps Sakura Get it together, space case! Let's find out who's kid it is. On that note, since I'm not retarted like a certain lust-blind pink-haired ninja ho, I knew it couldn't be Sasuke's kid!  
Sakura: you!  
Maury: So, we sampled the DNA of every male villager in Konoha! We've brought the more interesting of the suspects here today, since torturing this girl has become like a new hobby to me. So, contestant number 1, come on down!  
Chouji: walks in carrying a large sandwich Oh, yeah, chubbies rule, chubbies rule!  
Audience cheers loudly  
Maury: So, tons-of-fun, why don't you tell us about your relationship with Sakura?  
Chouji: Sure. She's the most important person in the world to me. She's kind. Loving. Tender. She's so... chokes up a bit so very thoughtful. I love her so much.  
Maury: So, you two are... intimate?  
Chouji: No, no, it's much more important than that. She always remembers to put extra pickles on my order at Subway. smiles, takes a bite of sandwich  
Maury: Ah, I see. Of course, why else would she be important to you, right wide-load?  
Chouji: Huh? I can't hear you. Pickles are too crunchy.  
Maury: Forget it. Look, who is the special girl in your life?  
Chouji: Me? No one, right now. I'm still a virgin.  
Maury: So, you couldn't possibly be the daddy, huh?  
Sakura: Wow, it's so cool that you're comfortable telling the world-wide TV audience that, Chouji.  
Chouji: Hey, it's no big deal. I don't mind being a virgin. Just because Kiba's uncomfortable admitting the fact that he's still a virg...  
Kiba: rips through wall behind Chouji I'll kill you, you bastard! You and that sandwich are going straight to hell!  
Chouji: You leave Melissa out of this!  
Kiba: forgets about hurting Chouji Wait, you actually named your sandwich?  
Sakura: You named you sandwich Melissa?  
Chouji: I have a very unique relationship with food!  
Maury: I'll say. Damn, repressed a bit, dude?  
Kiba: Seriously. You're not even worth maiming.  
Maury: On that sad, pathetic note, let's get to the envelope. Chouji, you are not the father.  
Chouji: Captain Obvious strikes again!  
Kiba: Yeah, no kidding.  
Maury: Well, you're free to go. Not so fast, Kiba. Why do you think you're here? We have some pretty good info that says you might not be such a virgin after all.  
Kiba: What the hell do you mean?  
Maury: Someone in Konoha thinks you say you're a virgin to cover up the fact that you have your way with Sakura every chance you get! Who is it? We'll find out after this break.

Maury: Welcome back to our special show on ninjas. Right now, we're here with Sakura, the village sperm bank, and Kiba, another potential rapist. God, what is with you kids? You're like, twelve! This is insane.  
Kiba: Hey, don't look at me. The whole world knows I'm still a virgin. Only one in my village, I'll bet.  
Sakura: Chouji just admitted he's still a virgin.  
Kiba: Chouji doesn't count.  
Maury: That's a low blow. Especially seeing as we have someone here who thinks you're not a virgin! Who could it be? Let's watch the tape!

tape plays  
Ino: Look, everyone knows Sakura spends most of her time with her legs in the air. She's got VD like other ninjas have scrolls. You never know what kind she'll pull out next. So, during the fourgy, I got a case of crabs off of her. I went to Shino to get them off of me, since he can talk to bugs and all. But see, I never thought of that myself. It was Kiba's suggestion. He actually sounded like he knew Shino could do that from experience. So, if Shino has cured Kiba's crabs, that means Kiba's not a virgin. Also probably means he's been tapping Sakura for some time now. Take that, "virgin" boy!  
tape ends

Kiba: That's rediculous! What a stupid thing to say. I've never...

new tape plays  
Shino:... ... ... ...

... ... ... ...

... ... ... ...  
Kiba's had crabs.  
tape ends

Maury: And there you have it. Kiba's had crabs, as told to us by a bug master himself. Since we all know Sakura is the resident critter dispenser, what do you have to say for yourself?  
Kiba:I... Um... Well, you see, the thing is..  
Sakura: You mean it's true? And i didn't know?  
Kiba: Well, it works like this. i was on a mission one day out in the wilds. Just me and Akamaru. We ran into someone out there. Good old Sasuke, training away. I knew I had exactly zero chance of bringing him in on my own. Even with Akamaru, we're no match. So, instead of fighting, we just talked. About a lot of things. You came up. He said you were a really heavy sleeper, and..  
Sakura: Is there anyone who hasn't abused me in my sleep?  
Naruto: from off stage You were awake when I...  
Sakura: Shut up, you idiot! God, this is so awful! You filthy, disgusting... When Tsunade hears about this, you're a dead man.  
Kiba: Yeah, but hey, it was fun while it lasted.  
Sakura: How many?  
Kiba: How many what?  
Sakura: How many times did you... you know?  
Kiba: Oh, right. Yeah, I lost count. Must be like... 37.  
Sakura: 37? From now on, I'm putting exploding tags on all my windows when I go to sleep.  
Maury: Well, that should stop the ones you don't invite in yourself.  
Sakura: Shut up! Now you're just being mean!  
Maury: Whatever. let's just do this. opens envelope Kiba... you are not the father.  
Kiba and Sakura: Oh, thank God!  
Maury: I guess you're free to go.  
Kiba: Awesome. Hey, how come Shino isn't here right now? Is he not a potential paternal person?  
Maury: Stop the alliteration. And no, he isn't. Here's why.

tape plays  
Shino:... ... ... ...  
She has crabs. Can't let them mix with my Destruction Bugs. Messes them all up for generations. Offered to cure her, she declined. Said she's learned to live with them. I guess I can kind of relate, but...  
tape ends

Kiba: Yeah, that sounds about right. Well, see you around, Sakura. Sleep tight.  
Sakura: You are so dead.  
Maury: Well, enough of this. Let's take a quick break. Remember, ninja fans, we still have that mystery guest, the other Uchiha Massacre survivor, coming up! Don't touch that dial.

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Thanks for reading and don't forget to review I now take Anonymous Reviews

And Again sorry for taking so long you know school


	7. Chapter 7

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I DON'T OWN NARUTO

THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER SO ENJOY IT

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Maury Welcome back, ninja fans! Let's get right into it, here's the next contestants on This Ho's Baby's Daddy! First up, it's Shikamaru! Say hello, Shikamaru!  
Shikamaru: Too much of a drag.  
Maury: Fine. Also, Rock Lee! Say Hello, Rock Lee!  
Sakura: Me and Lee never did anything that would... Wait, Oh god, you abused me too, didn't you... You... Bastard! And to think, I was starting to like you. You were so cute, the way you man-handled Tenten like she was your little pocket-p  
Lee: I would never do something like that, Sakura!  
Sakura: Now, now. I saw you with her. Ordering her around, always taking charge. Like a real man. One of the only ones in this village.  
Lee: Yeah, that I did. But, I would never abuse you like Kiba and Sasuke. That's just... lame. Besides I've got Tenten, now, and well...  
Maury: More on that later, bushy brow. Shikamaru, how about you tell us about your relationship with Sakura.  
Shikamaru: Well, I don't really have one.  
off stage you better not, you lazy son of a...  
Maury: Who might that be?  
Shikamaru: Listen, Temari, you know you're all the woman I can be bothered to handle.  
Temari: runs on stage That better be the truth, you good for nothing...  
Maury: So, I see what's going on here. You're saying that Shikamaru is so lazy, that even if he had the chance to have Sakura, he couldn't be bothered, after being with Temari. Okay, I can buy that. Let's go to the envelope, folks. Shikamaru, you are not the father.  
Shikamaru: Yeah, no kiddding. Now, let's get the hell out of here Temari. I want to try something new. The "California Wild Fire."  
Maury: What, exactly, is the "California Wild Fire?"  
Sakura: It's where she lays on her back, and he plugs along in the silk purse until he's ready to pop. Just before the baby juice is out, he grabs a lighter, and sets her dark and curlies on fire. Then, he uses the "little fireman" to put out the flames before she starts complaining like a Hollywood starlet on the rag.  
Maury: Leave it to the resident ho to know the flow. That tears it. I'm sending all of you kids for psychological evaluations. Temari and Shikamaru leave Well, on to Lee. So, you're saying you can't possibly be the father either, right?  
Lee: That is correct. Do not misunderstand. There was a time I would have loved to get in that. But recently, I've fallen in love. With Tenten, that's right, she taught me to be a real man, so I could choose any woman I wanted. And I choose her.  
Tenten runs onstage, hugs Lee Oh, I'm so happy! We'll get married, and have a big house, and lots of kids, and...  
Lee: Slow it down, baby. I ain't talking about no marriage and kids. You can't keep a real man down. I got to focus on my ninja mission, baby. Look, i know this much. i like you today. I enjoyed seeing you today. I want to see you again tomorrow. We'll take it one day at a time, okay, baby?  
Sakura: You really created a monster, huh, Tenten?  
Tenten: Yeah... but who cares. I'm nuts about the guy!  
Maury: Let's get to it... Lee, you are not the father.  
Lee: Obvious... Lee!  
Maury: Terrible pun. Your punishemt is banishment. Forever.  
Lee: Whatever. let's go Tenten.  
Tenten: Good luck, Sakura. I know that when you find the father, it'll be a nice, romantic moment. unless, of course, it's Naruto. He's an idiot.  
Lee: Tenten, now!  
Tenten: Yes, sir! they leave  
Maury: Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddddddd...

Commercial!

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Maury: And we now return to the ninja episode finale! You all remember Sakura. Why don't we bring out the last two potential fathers, Naruto and Neji!  
Naruto: Believe it!  
Maury: Believe what?  
Naruto: What?  
Maury: You Said, "Believe it."

Naruto: Yeah, believe it!  
Maury: What?  
Naruto: Where?  
Maury: No, seriously, what?  
Naruto: I don't follow.  
Maury: You. You right there. Just now. You said, "Believe it!"  
Naruto: Yeah, believe it!  
Maury: What?  
Naruto: Is this some kind of joke?  
Maury: No, really. I really want to know.  
Naruto: What would you like to know?  
Maury: Okay, Let's start from the top. You walked in here. You then said, "Believe it!"  
Naruto: Yeah, Believe it!  
Maury: But what, exactly, do you want me to believe?  
Naruto: Huh? No, nothing. Just a figure of speech. You're the first person who's ever asked me that, actually.  
Maury: We'll get back to you in a second, you... Ugh. There aren't even words... Where's this Neji kid? Anyone? A no-show, huh? Great. Way to ruin my show. Let's work with what we've got. Sakura, is there something you want to say to Naruto?  
Sakura: Yeah, there is. Are you ready to face the music,Be a responsible parent? You are the last potential father...  
Naruto: The whole village hasn't been in here yet.  
Sakura: Stop being mean to me! I'm gonna be the mother of your child!  
Hinata: jumps onstage Not if you know what's good for you!  
Sakura: Relax, Hinata. There's nothing more you can do. Naruto has to be the father. There's no other way.  
Hinata: Oh, but you're wrong. There is another way. Pulls out a kunai  
Sakura: And just what are you going to do with that?  
Hinata: I was going to use a medical ninjutsu to carve the fetus out of you, and implant it into my own womb. But I didn't have enough time to master that technique. So, instead, I'll just prevent the pregnancy from going full term.  
Sakura: How will you do that, exactly?  
Hinata: By cutting you open right here and now! Lunges at Sakura  
Naruto:Gets in the wayHey, Hinata. What's this all about? Why do you want to take my kid away from Sakura?  
Sakura: So, you admit it, huh?  
Naruto: Never! And shut up, she's trying to kill you. And they call me stupid.  
Hinata: I... I... Love you. I love you, Naruto. I want to be with you always. I care for you very deeply. I... Will you stay by my side forever?  
Naruto: Uh... ok.  
Hinata: Really? Do you really mean it? You'll be mine forever and ever?  
Naruto: Sure, as long as you put out.  
Hinata: As often as you wish, Your Excellency!  
Naruto: I could get used to that!  
Maury: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there's still the mattter of the envelope. He might actually be the mystery father.  
Hinata: If that's true, I'll kill Sakura. I mean it.

Maury: Let's just open it up. Naruto, you are not the father. Wait, really? Yeah... right here in black and white. You are not the father.  
Hinata: Yes! There is a god!  
Naruto: Yes! There is a god!  
Sakura: I'm confused. Someone has to be the father. If that's the whole village... then...  
Hinata: Yeah, good luck with that. Sorry for the whole try to kill you thing. Now, Your Excellency, would you like your first official pleasuring now, or when we get home?  
Naruto: Um, now. Wait, wait. When we get back to the village. No, now! I get to choose? Why do i have to choose?! Can I have both?  
Hinata: I was hoping you'd say that!  
Naruto and Hinata leave  
Maury:Well, I guess we can go to commercial...  
Sakura:I will make you suffer if you try that even one more time.  
Maury: But there's no one left. How are we suppose to continue?  
from off stage Sorry I'm late, everyone.  
Maury: Who is that?  
Kakashiappears in a whirlwind, holding Neji by the collar I had to scrounge this guy up from his little hiding place. Sharingan beats Byakugan. Deal with it.  
Maury: Why, it's Neji, the missing potential father!  
Neji: No, not really. I can't be the father. Sure, Sakura and I have been doing some freaky things on our days off, but we're always super careful. I always use my Byakugan to check the condoms for imperfections. We go through whole cases trying to find a good one.  
Sakura: It's true. We always go that extra mile.  
Kakashi: Can I see one of these condoms you check so thoroughly? Do you have one on you now?  
Neji: No, I don't have one on me.  
Sakura: Here you go. hands Kakashi a condom  
Maury: What... Why... What the hell... Why do you have one of those on you? You do realize that's the sort of thing that got you here in the first place, right?  
Sakura: Well, I want to protect against diseases, and I figure, I can't get any more pregnant, so I might as well enjoy...  
Maury: Sorry I asked. What's the verdict, Kakashi?  
Kakashi: Well, the condom itself is not damaged in any way, however...  
Neji: What? What do you mean however?  
Kakashi: It's a Lifestyles brand. It would not ha've helped anyway.  
Neji, Maury, and Sakura: What?!  
Kakashi: It's true. These condoms just suck in the first place. Everyone knows that. Hell, Iruka teaches it in the academy. "Lifestyles will change your life style!"  
Neji: Yeah, but no one listens to Iruka! He's completely useless. Oh, man. Maybe I should take that guy more seriously.  
Kakashi: Nope. Iruka is a joke. He just got lucky about being right this time.  
Sakura: So, you're saying all this time, it might have been Neji that's the father?

Maury: Well, I see no reason to put it off any longer. Let's open the envelope. Neji, you are the father. That settles it.  
Sakura: Well, it's a relief to finally know the truth.  
Neji: This is awful!  
Maury: Hey, don't talk like that! Why is it so bad you're the father? Sure, you'll have to grow up a bit faster now, but you've already got a high-paying job, you can afford a home of your own on your clan's land, you're all set, really.  
Neji: No, idiot. Did you ever think to ask why I was so careful with the condoms? It's because of the whole branch family thing. I don't want to have any kids. I don't want them to be slaves. I want it to end with me. I can't put someone through... throught the misery I've had to..  
Hinata: Relax. I can let the kid off the hook.  
Neji: It doesn't work like that. And, I thought you and Naruto would be miles away by now.  
Hinata: Just a quickie.  
Neji: Ugh... Ignorance really was bliss. And anyway, it still doesn't work that way.  
Hinata: Sure it does. I'm the successor. I can just say, "Hey, leave that kid alone!" and they will. All of them. If they know what's good for them.  
Neji: You'd be willing to do that?  
Hinata: You kidding? I'm so happy to have Naruto for myself, and that it's not Naruto's kid, I could move heaven and Earth if you asked nice enough!  
Maury: Well, it looks like..  
Naruto: Hey, Hinaaaataaaaaa! Bring my pants back here! The quickie was a good idea, but now we have to get going home!  
Maury: Well, it looks like everything turned out...  
Sakura: What are we going to name the kid, Neji?  
Neji: Neji Jr. obviously.  
Sakura:I was thinking more along the lines of Rock.  
Neji: You want to name my son after Rock Lee? No friggin way!  
everyone except Maury leaves  
Maury: Well, it looks like everything turned out for the better. We'll see you next time on...  
Sasuke: Hey, you forgot about me.  
Maury: Why is everyone interrupting me?  
Sasuke: You're lucky that's all I'm doing to you. You left me alone back here waiting to see who the other Uchiha Massacre survivor is.  
Maury: Oh, right. In all the excitement, I nearly forgot the Epilogue. So, Commercial!

Sasuke: Nope. Commercial request denied.  
Maury: Oh, poo. i was hoping to have another break.  
Sasuke: i have been waiting and waiting. i want to know who the other survivor is.  
Maury: Well, you asked for it. Come on out.  
from offstage I can see you, you know.  
Sasuke: No... i know that voice... It can't be...  
Yes, it's me. I'm the other survivor. After all only two Uchihas survived that day.  
Sasuke: But... but why are you here... The whole time... Have you been here the whole time we were doing this? Show yourself!  
Itachi: comes onstage Yes, little brother. I've been watching you, and I must say, I'm not impressed. You haven't grown. haven't changed. i thought Orochimaru's teachings could help you, but apparently he was too busy with... other things.  
Sasuke: I'll show you! I'm just as strong as you! I'm stronger! I am unstopable! I will avenge my clan!  
Itachi: Now, now, little brother. Don't go getting all worked up on my account. It's such a shame. All that training, you're still not worth my trouble.  
Sasuke: How dare you, monster! rushes Itachi to try to kill him  
Itachi Owns Sasuke worse than last time Foolish. I won't even waste chakra killing you. I'll let you live again. This time, with even more humiliation.  
Sasuke: No, I... I can't lose... again...I...  
Itachi: Goodbye, brother. leaves  
Maury: Well, that sucked.  
Sasuke: No... It can't be... It can't end... i didn't get to...  
Maury: What, you expected to actually fight? You can't have something plot-related affected in the Perverted Story Jutsu! It's just fanfiction...  
Sasuke: Breaking... the fourth... wall... What... a lame way... to lose... passes out  
Maury: And that wraps up this little shindig. Thanks for watching. join us tomorrow for our special episode on and elite group of trained warriors, the Earth Special Forces!

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WELL THERE YOU THE LAST CHAPTER I KNOW YOU ARE SAD ME TOO

I'm OPEN TO NEW NAMES FOR THIS STORY SO LET ME KNOW  
DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW


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